|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
Announcer: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. [we see a golfer on the green trying to putt]
Commentator 1: And Nickelson here trying to save par. And there's Nickelson's wife. [camera zooms in on her] God she is hot.
Commentator 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you.
Commentator 1: Oh, they're just out there, begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls you think she can fit in her mouth?
Commentator 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
Commentator 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her.
Greg: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though.
Commentator 1: Hell of a week. [Nickelson finally putts]
Opening Crawl
It is a time of civil war, and renegade paragraphs floating through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out 'til the next episode.
And the hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss. Which is kind of messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia." She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey and I almost fainted. But I digest...
Princess Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
Princess Leia (Lois): Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Alright, now what do I click?"
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Click 'Preferences.'
Princess Leia (Lois): OK, I clicked 'Preferences.'
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now go to 'Default media browser.'
Princess Leia (Lois): OK. There's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything. It says 'Buffering.' What is that?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Just give it a minute.
Princess Leia (Lois): All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute!
Princess Leia (Lois): OK, relax.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now click 'Import video file.'
Princess Leia (Lois): Alright. It's telling me I have to download Real Player 7.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.
The spaceship is being fired at and we see C-3PO (Quagmire) and R2-D2 (Cleveland) getting jostled around from the impacts
C-3PO (Quagmire): Ya hear that? It sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the Hey-take-a-deep-breath-let's-experiment kind of boarding from the rear.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Beep-boop. Uh, could you hold onto this bag? [takes out a bag of pot]
Imperial Guard 1: Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.
Imperial Guard 2: 'Hold your fire?" What, are we paying by the laser now?
Imperial Guard 1: You don't do the budget, Terry, I do.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): R2, what are you doing out here?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Beep-Boop-Beep.
C-3PO (Quagmire): He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): That's not what I said. I said there ain't a packet of Menthols to be found on this damn planet.
Stormtrooper 1: Look sir, droids!
Stormtrooper 2: Look, a penny!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some wamp rats in my T-16.
C-3PO (Quagmire): My God, you shoot small animals for fun?! That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Here, check this out. [hands Luke a lightsaber]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): WOW! This is cool!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Yeah. Everyone in the neighborhood has one.
[Cut to a farmer sitting outside his house, a lightsaber hangs from his ceiling acting as a mosquito zapper; 2 flies fly into it, followed by Watto]
Watto: Hey, why do you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru! OH MY GOD! [the burned corpses of his aunt and uncle are smoking; Luke looks over and gasps] JOHN WILLIAMS!! [ John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra are also burned up] Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman. [Danny Elfman begins conducting a cheerful song until Luke cuts his head off with his lightsaber]
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.
General Tagge: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Darth Vader (Stewie): That is fantastic. Terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?
General Tagge: N... no.
Darth Vader (Stewie): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
General Tagge: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Uh, okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the 0.01?
General Tagge: Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then.
General Tagge: No, no, the hole's only two meters across.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Mayor Adam West): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
General Tagge: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench. It's not a big deal.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
General Tagge: Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only going to go up.
General Tagge: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it...
Darth Vader (Stewie): [Vader begins to choke him] I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location! Twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
General Tagge: [choking] There's nothing to do downtown!
Grand Moff Tarkin (Mayor Adam West): Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Darth Vader (Stewie): As you wish.
[releases Tagge]
Darth Vader (Stewie): All right, so were' going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Ehhhh...
Imperial Officer: We'll get estimates.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Get estimates, yeah, yeah.
Death Star superlaser technician 1: [after blowing up Alderaan] So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here!"
[points to the edge of the platform they're standing on]
Death Star superlaser technician 2: Yeah, I know. I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So what'd they say?
Death Star superlaser technician 1: Get this: they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day.
Death Star superlaser technician 2: They said that?
Death Star superlaser technician 1: Yeah.
Death Star superlaser technician 2: Well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.
All the soldiers situate themselves in the hallway with their ray guns pointed at the door, waiting for the Stormtroopers to enter.
Soldier 1: What if they come in another door?
[Soldier 2: [sighs] Well, I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door, then.
Soldier 3: Is it gonna be like this all day, Jeff?
Jeff: Hey, I'm just trying to contribute.
Soldier 2: Yeah, well, contribute to pointing your gun at that door. [they take aim at the door again]
Jeff: Mark, why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around? - Only on DVD]
Darth Vader (Stewie): [mimicking stormtroopers] My god, look at this mess. Oh, hey, Darth Vader's coming, do you think we should clean this up a little bit? Ahhh, no, he's not gonna mind.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): So Luke, what brings your muscley arms out this way?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message. [R2 shows Obi-Wan Leia's recording]
Princess Leia (Lois): General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. We need your help again. And not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan- [Herbert immediantly begins fast forwarding through the message] -and we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so- [fast forwards again]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Oh this is just, uh, just like, logistical stuff. I'll-I'll check that later. [resumes the hologram]
Princess Leia (Lois): -Joey Lawrence haircut. So I'll assume we can count on your help to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan. The plans are stored inside this R2 unit. Help me Ob-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. [to R2, who is hidden] All right, now what do I click? [message fades]
Greedo (Performance Artist): [translated from Rodian] Oh hey, where y'all going in your fancy vest Solo?
Han Solo (Peter): Greedo. As a matter of fact I was just on my way to see your boss.
Greedo (Performance Artist): Jabba doesn't have time for scum like you. Come to think of it, he hasn't had much time for anyone lately. All wrapped up in his work. Which I guess you have to admire. But it just makes him so distant. So distant. [Han shoots Greedo] Oh no! [dies]
Governor Tarkin (Adam West): Princess Leia, we've decided to test our Death Star Planet-blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Princess Leia (Lois): No!
Governor Tarkin (Adam West): [to Darth Vader (Stewie)] She said no. Should we still do it?
Darth Vader (Stewie): ...Yeah.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
Han Solo (Peter): Are you kiddin'? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Han Solo (Peter): [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! Let's go.
Luke goes to rescue Princess Princess Leia in her cell, dressed as a storm trooper
Princess Leia (Lois): Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. [turns to leave]
Princess Leia (Lois): Wait! Who are you?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): [takes his helmet off] I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Princess Leia (Lois): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?
Princess Leia (Lois): Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought on board.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Um, actually, that's me. I made a Darth Doodie. [I "Sith-ed" my pants. My diaper's gone over to the Dark Side. [pulls out a notepad] I got pages of these; I could go on. - Only on DVD]
Han Solo (Peter): Great idea, Princess! Diving into a pile of garbage! Hey, maybe when we get out of here, you can show us around your home planet of Alderaan. Ohhhhhhhhh, too soon?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Look at this! Who throws out half a pizza?
Han Solo (Peter): And look at this couch. Sombody threw out a whole couch and it's in great shape.
Chewbacca (Brian): Yeah, put a little Febreeze on that, scrub it out a little bit, it'd look great in your appartment.
Han Solo (Peter): You know what? I know we got a dangerous job to do here, but... I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.
Darth Vader (Stewie): The homing beacon is safely on board the Millennium Falcon.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Mayor Adam West): I'm taking an awful risk Vader, and it better work.
*Pause*
Darth Vader (Stewie): You know, I think they took your old couch.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Mayor Adam West): What? I threw that away.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Ya, it was weird, I just killed Obi Won, and I look over and there are these two dudes scurrying across with a couch. And it had this stain on it from when we had Hawaiian Punch night.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Mayor Adam West): Ya, that's my couch. Rebel scum.
Darth Vader (Stewie): So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of "Stay 50 yards away at all times" don't you understand? [Obi-Wan activates his lightsaber, which instantly turns flaccid]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Uh-oh.
Darth Vader (Stewie): You're powers are weak, old man. [they start fighting; Obi-Wan is still using the flaccid saber]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): [offscreen] Obi-Wan! [Obi-Wan looks away at Luke, then his lightsaber becomes erect once again]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Boy, you got here just in time!
Announcer: Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids!
Darth Herrington: Hi! I'm Darth Herrington of Darth Herrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids, and I am passing the savings onto yoooooooooou!
Red Leader: All wings check in.
Red 3: Red 3 standing by.
Red 6: Red 6 standing by.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Red 5 standing by
Red Buttons: Red Buttons standing by.
Redd Foxx: Redd Foxx standing by.
Big Red: Big Red standing by.
[Camera pans out to show a Russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings]
Red October: [in Sean Connery's voice] Red October standing by.
Helen Reddy: Helen Reddy standing by.
Simply Red: [Entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit] Simply Red standing by.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Why do they call them Tie fighters?
Han Solo (Peter): No idea! [reveals a Thai man shouting Thai language sitting inside the Tie fighter cockpit]
[during the Tie fighter battle]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): They're coming too fast!
Han Solo (Peter): [under his breath] Nickel for every time I've had that problem- [shouts] just keep shooting, Luke!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'm going in! Cover me Porkins! Porkins: Uh, I'm havin' a little trouble here. [camera pans out to reveal that he's so fat, that he's actually on top of the X-Wing and not inside it, which proceeds to grind against the Death Star surface before exploding]
R2-D2 (Cleveland): [opens a hatch and shoots a modern-day pistol at a tie fighter, blowing it up]] YEAH-HA!! THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, BITCH!
R2-D2 (Cleveland): [after getting shot by Darth Vader] AHHHH! Fuck you, you son of a bitch. What am I, R2-Pac?!
Darth Vader (Stewie): I have you now, young Skywalker. [turns to camera] And with today's gas prices, not a minute too soon!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): [in spirit] Use The Force, Luke.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): [in spirit] Yeah, it's me. Use The Force. Force that thing in there. Just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.
Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertianed! That was a great story!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh, really? Define "decent".
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And-and besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? Wh-what is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yay, tune me in to that.
Chris Griffin: Ohhhh, so you do know the show?
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Chris Griffin: [stands up; about to cry] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! [leaves]
Peter Griffin: [starts humming the Star Wars end theme] Na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na, na, na, na-na-na na, he, na-na-na he, na, na-na-na-na... na-na.